Celebrate together - even if you're away

When distance separates families for Christmas, they have a choice.
They can meet, or they can stay put.
One year, Betsy Tracy and her children traveled a distance to spend Christmas with her husband and their father, Lt. Col. Ted Tracy, who served for a year in Iraq with the Army National Guard.
“In the middle of his tour, instead of having him come home for his two-week R and R (rest and recreation), the children and I went to Germany, and we had a fabulous Christmas together,” said Betsy, whose children are Will, 12; Ellen, 14; and Katherine, 24.
Ted returned from Iraq in 2008. This Christmas, family and friends will be invited to the Tracys’ home.
At first, Betsy thought the family could travel to San Antonio, where Ted’s sister lives.
“But my son, who’s 12, said, ‘Mom, I don’t want to go anywhere. I love having people come to our house and having the holiday at our house,’ ” Betsy said.
“I said, ‘That’s fine.’ ”
Similar negotiation is the first step scattered families, who may live several states away, need to take in deciding where to celebrate Christmas, said counselor and therapist Donald Henke.
Families may have to talk over whether to alternate holidays (going to Mom’s relatives for Thanksgiving, going to Dad’s relatives for Christmas morning), or alternate years (Christmas in Springfield this year, in St. Louis at the in-laws’ next year).
However, physical distance isn’t the only factor to consider when coming to an agreement. Families should allow for dynamics such as personal schedules and dilemmas, Henke said.
“A lot of times it’s that simple, and people are willing, then, readily to reshuffle things — have less time together or stagger Christmases,” Henke said.

Traditional and emotional roadblocks

Sometimes strong family traditions impede consideration of others’ circumstances because some relatives may feel, “ ‘We should just always have it this way, and if your circumstances have changed, well, I hadn’t thought about that,’ ” Henke said.
Also, negotiations can become emotional for people who hold onto fond childhood memories, Henke said.
Henke knows a man whose wife died this year and whose mother isn’t healthy enough to leave the nursing home for the traditional family celebration.
“Now all of the family members are all just feeling scattered. They’re all not wanting to (gather) … ‘If Mom’s not going to be there, why should I?’ ” Henke said. The man now plans to spend time with his church family and do volunteer work.
Because Betsy Tracy’s parents have been deceased for a while, she and her family used to spend holidays with Ted’s parents in Jerseyville.
“We have some great pictures of kids with too much turkey sleeping under the Christmas tree,” Betsy said.
As Ted’s parents aged, they moved to Springfield. Ted’s mother died a few years ago, and his father passed away in September. Betsy predicts this Christmas will be bittersweet for the family.
“By creating our own celebrations, our own rituals, that’s probably going to help get through this particular year,” Betsy said.

Marital roadblocks

Some families have severe problems year-round, and certain people only want things their way — and that’s it.
“As a therapist, I work with people whose family members literally are intent on ruining their marriages,” Henke said. “When it gets that extreme … then people literally need to make choices over is there some way that you and your wife can tolerate you going to see your family when they hate her.”
People need to think of their immediate families first when there are serious roadblocks to deciding how to fellowship as a family for Christmas, Henke said. They should consider if their decisions would cause serious, lasting difficulties in their marriages and with their children or stepchildren.
“What are you going to do to your marriage, or what are you going to do to your own children, if you take off out to the West Coast to see your family and you leave your wife and kids sitting alone all Christmas and a couple days before and after?” Henke said. “That kind of dilemma is what really tears some people up.”

Think of the children

Families should have realistic, or even minimal, expectations for the holidays so they don’t set themselves up for failure, said Becky Aud-Jennison, who has been a psychotherapist for families and children, a custody mediator and a parent educator with District 186.
When it comes to divorce, the goal is to negotiate the most effective parenting post-divorce.
“The biggest thing that people need to focus on — and this is apropos for the holiday — is an overarching goal of how can we make this holiday the most peaceful and joyous occasion possible,” said Aud-Jennison, who with her husband, Stephen Jennison, has a blended family of nine children ranging in age from 5 to 22.
“If you have that as your primary goal, you’re putting aside your needs, your issues, your ego. You’re really letting yourself look at the perspective of what is best for the children.”
Sometimes divorced parents are unable or refuse to cooperate to the point that even trying to negotiate is stressful for the children.
“For those parents that are not going to be able to cooperate, probably the best thing for them to do is adhere to the (joint parenting agreement),” Aud-Jennison said.
Aud-Jennison encourages the use of flexibility and expecting the unexpected.
“Typically, we open up our home to my family, but the other thing to keep in mind that I think a lot of families do, which we actually just did with my family, is choose another random day as families age and everybody starts having their own children,” she said. “Sometimes there’s the tendency that people want to have their own traditions.”
For most people, holidays are “absolutely wonderful,” Henke said.
“The bottom line always is that you can notice what good there is and enjoy, or you can notice what isn’t good and feel sad about it … there’s lots and lots of things to celebrate if you pay attention to the celebratory parts.”